Listening Skills

A Few Years Ago, a Text Made Me Reflect Deeply on a Trait I Had as a Salesperson: I Talked More Than I Listened

In 2005, I participated in a workshop at the headquarters of the organization I was working for at the time, in Colorado Springs, CO, USA. The workshop was led by professors from Purdue University and was titled “Effective Communication.” It lasted four days. Guess what topic occupied the entire first day? The clue is in the title of this article: “Listening Skills.”

When we think about communication, we often focus on how to express ourselves better—how to speak in public, make presentations, or lead meetings, right? However, we tend to forget the most crucial factor for communication to be truly effective, efficient, and impactful: how we listen.

Have you ever stopped to think about how many types of listening there are?

Competitive Listening
Once, I was standing in line, waiting for the bank to open. It was almost 10:00 AM, and several elderly men and women were ahead of me. Two men were conversing:
"Friend, today I woke up with a terrible knee pain. I could barely get out of bed…”

The other replied:
“Knee pain? You’re complaining about knee pain? I’ve had back pain for over 20 years, and I can barely stand up. Just standing here is killing me.”

This type of listening seeks information for the sake of competing: mine is better, bigger, more important, hurts more, etc.

Combative Listening
The husband, noticing his wife was unusually quiet, asked her:

“What’s wrong, love?”
She replied:
“NOTHING.”

Have you ever been in a situation like this? From that point on, anything you say can and will be used against you. This type of listening uses a filter—everything said will be refuted, regardless of whether it’s true or not.

Selective Listening
There’s a great scene in the movie Dumb and Dumber. One of the protagonists, played by Jim Carrey, asks the woman he traveled across the country to find:
“What are the chances of us ever going out?”
She immediately replies:
“One in a million.”

As she turns and walks away, Jim Carrey’s character celebrates and exclaims, “I have a chance!!!”

This type of listening only hears what one wants to hear, filtering out everything else.

Passive Listening
The husband is sitting on the living room couch, eyes glued to the TV, watching the championship final. Five minutes remain, the score is tied, and a striker from his team is heading toward the penalty area when he’s tackled. The referee blows the whistle...

At that moment, his wife sits beside him and starts talking. Without turning to her or paying attention, he mutters, “Uh-huh,” “Oh, okay.”

This type of listening involves giving no attention at all. Something else is far more important than what the other person is saying. It’s common to see people engaging in conversations while responding to emails or WhatsApp messages. But are they truly listening?

Active Listening
One evening, I dined at Olive Garden, a restaurant I’ve visited many times in the U.S. and which is now opening in Brazil. One of my favorite dishes is salmon. When my order arrived, the salmon was overcooked—dry and bitter.

The waitress came over to ask how everything was, and I mentioned the salmon. She immediately informed the manager, who came to our table and said:
“Aline told me the salmon isn’t cooked to your liking. Could you explain exactly what happened so I can inform the chef?”

I explained my perception. He didn’t interrupt me. After a pause, he asked:
“Would you like me to order another one for you?”

I declined, saying I don’t usually eat much at night.
“Then your dessert will be on me,” he replied.

This type of listening demonstrates genuine interest in the speaker. It avoids judgment, seeks more details, and gathers information. This is the type of listening that fosters truly effective communication.

"Escutatória" by Rubem Alves
A few years ago, I read a text called Escutatória (Listening) by Rubem Alves. I often revisit it to remind myself of its principles. Below is the transcription for your reflection—how well are you listening?

Listening
"I often see courses on oratory advertised. I’ve never seen a course on listening. Everyone wants to learn how to speak. No one wants to learn how to listen.

Listening is complicated and subtle. Alberto Caeiro says:

‘It’s not enough to not be blind to see trees and flowers. You must also have no philosophy.’

Philosophy is a collection of ideas about how things are. When someone who isn’t blind opens their eyes, the trees and flowers outside their head enter. But—poor things—they fall into a sea of ideas, losing their simplicity of existence.

To truly see, one’s mind must be empty."

Rubem Alves uses vivid imagery to illustrate that listening is more than hearing words; it’s about absorbing them with presence, free from distractions. Active listening, as he describes, is the cornerstone of meaningful communication.