What is RAPPORT, after all? How to Use it Effectively?

For many years, I’ve heard the word “Rapport” being used with very little understanding of what it truly means. However, a few years ago, I read the excellent book “Resonate” by Nancy Duarte, where she connects the physical phenomenon of resonance to building a connection with your audience during a presentation (Resonate by Nancy Duarte). That’s when I had an idea.

“Resonance is a well-known phenomenon in physics. You can make an object vibrate without any physical contact – if you know its natural vibration frequency. When an object responds to an external stimulus at the same frequency as its own, that’s resonance. The video you see below is a stunning visual illustration of resonance.”

Amazing Resonance Experiment!

“As you can see, the grains of salt wobbled, popped, and then moved to new places, rearranging themselves into beautiful patterns, as if they knew where they ‘belonged.’ Haven’t you often wished you could make clients, employees, investors, or students pop, pop, pop, and move to the new place they need to be to create a new future?”

“If you tune into your audience’s frequency, your ideas will deeply resonate, and your audience will demonstrate self-organizing behavior.”

A few years ago, I started studying neuroscience to provide better learning experiences for the participants of the workshops I facilitate. By understanding how the brain works and the complex system of energy production and management it involves, I realized that Nancy Duarte wasn’t just offering the key to communicating our message to motivate audience action; she was actually describing what rapport truly is—vibrating at the same frequency as the person we are interacting with.

The question now is: how do we do that?

I began researching what experts say about rapport. Naturally, my top choice was Tony Robbins https://www.tonyrobbins.com/career-business/how-to-make-instant-connections/.

I discovered that building rapport goes far beyond those basic questions we ask to find something in common with the person. To establish a connection, the other person needs to feel understood.

Interestingly, I truly learned how to build rapport from Monty Roberts. For those who don’t know him, Marvin Earl “Monty” Roberts (born May 14, 1935) is an American horse trainer who promotes his natural horsemanship techniques through his organization Join-Up International, named after the core concept of his training method. Roberts believes that horses use a non-verbal language, which he calls "Equus," and that humans can use this language to communicate with horses.

He can earn the trust of a wild horse in less than 30 minutes without touching the animal! Roberts describes in his books and on his website how he was sent to Nevada at the age of 13 to round up horses for the Salinas Rodeo Association’s wild horse race. There, he began observing how mustangs interacted with one another. He noted that they used discernible, effective, and predictable body language to communicate, establish boundaries, and express fear, annoyance, relaxation, or affection. He realized that using this silent language would enable training to start in a far more effective and humane way, fostering a true partnership between horses and humans. (source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monty_Roberts)

What Mr. Roberts does is tune his vibration to that of the horse and then influence the horse to vibrate at his frequency. This happens when the horse begins to trust and respect him. That’s when he can influence the animal without barriers.

Returning to humans, I observe they are not much different from horses.

In the international bestseller Thinking, Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman, the renowned psychologist and Nobel Prize-winning economist, takes us on a groundbreaking journey through the mind, explaining the two systems that drive how we think:

System 1: Fast, intuitive, and emotional.
System 2: Slower, more deliberate, and logical.
The impact of overconfidence on business strategies, the difficulties of predicting what will make us happy in the future, and the profound effect of cognitive biases on everything—from stock trading to planning our next vacation—can only be understood by knowing how these two systems shape our judgments and decisions.

The first characteristic to observe in someone you want to establish rapport with is pace. You need to adjust your vibration starting here. If the person operates at a fast pace, is objective, and makes decisions quickly, presenting them with a 108-page detailed report won’t work. Conversely, if the person operates at a slow pace, a four-paragraph summary won’t suffice.

Secondly, observe whether the person is extroverted or introverted.

Fast-paced and introverted: This behavior style is like dynamite—the person is obsessed with achieving results. People are just a detail in this equation. Their tolerance level is low, and they need to feel in control. Decisions are made quickly, and corrections are applied later if needed. I call this style “Johnny Walker” due to the “keep walking” mentality.

Fast-paced and extroverted: This style is like a party—the person constantly seeks social recognition, prestige, and fun. They pursue results to be praised by others. Decisions are made quickly, mainly based on intuition. They are enthusiastic, optimistic, and talkative—but not good listeners. I refer to this style as “John Oliver,” inspired by the show Last Week Tonight.

Slow-paced and introverted: This style is pure science—a critical thinker, analytical, detail-oriented, requiring well-defined processes and procedures. Such a person takes a long time to make decisions, as they aim for the right choice based on facts and data. I call this style “Einstein” for obvious reasons.

Slow-paced and extroverted: This style is pure care—the person loves to serve others, works in teams, listens well, avoids sudden changes, and is loyal. They tend to procrastinate and take time making decisions because every decision involves change. I call this style “Mr. Monk,” after the TV series.

Interestingly, about 70% of the population exhibits traits from at least two behavior styles, around 15% from three styles, and less than 10% from just one. Behavioral style relates to how the brain manages an individual’s energy. Adapting your style to job demands may require extra energy, leading to side effects like stress, anxiety, frustration, or depression.

To vibrate at the same frequency as the person you are interacting with, you must know your style, understand theirs, and then adapt your style to theirs to open the doors to communication.

Another observation point is sensory preference—whether the person is visual, auditory, or kinesthetic. You can take a free test at http://www.vaknlp.com/vak.htm to understand your preference. Then, observe the other person’s preference and adapt accordingly.

Remember, your goal is to make your message resonate. Start with a resonant statement—a comment or declaration that captures their deepest desires or greatest concerns. It strikes a chord or evokes an emotion, signaling that you understand their situation.

Rapport is how we initiate relationships, connect with people, and build trust and respect. Done correctly, the likelihood of success is immense.